Remembering You

Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the quickly approaching graduation date, or maybe it’s the “grown up” things I’ve been doing lately (i.e. not over-drafting my bank account). Whatever the cause, nostalgia has been the farthest thing from a stranger the past few days.

The classic nostalgia symptoms have set in. I have looked at old photos, reached out to old friends, “creeped” on old acquaintances’ social mediums (although those are pretty ambiguous, apparently not everyone posts as much as me… surprising I know).

I have thought about who I used to be, who I have been and who I have become. I’ve remembered the simple times, and I’ve remembered the more complicated. I’ve looked at different decisions I have made and where they have led me.

I’ve also thought a lot about who I want to become.

It’s sometimes surreal looking back on certain memories- it’s almost difficult to put yourself back into your own shoes.

It’s also easy to look back and wish that you were still wearing them.

I’m an advocate for personal growth and change. I fully believe in bettering yourself and making changes to lead a happier life.

However, sometimes it’s not about changing into someone new, but remembering who you were, who you are and who you’ve always been.

Getting a little off track in life isn’t a bad thing. Branching out, trying new things and taking chances helps you figure out the type of person you want to be. Not being the person you want to be at all times in your life teaches you about who you’d like to be in the future. And you’ll always remember who you really are.

No, I am not the same person I was six years ago. No, my ambitions are not the same as they were when I was 12. No, I am not the self-conscious girl I was two years ago.

But parts of you will always remain in tact. Whether it’s your values, your standards, your favorite color or your weird laugh, you will always be you, and you will always see glimpses of who you have always been.

That being said, what you take with you and what you leave behind is entirely up to you.

As I started looking back, I missed the girl I used to be. The girl that was so driven. The girl that wanted to be a professional ballet dancer and would do anything it took to get there. The girl that valued family, friends and personal standards so greatly. I missed her. But I don’t anymore.

She’s always been there and I see her in the person I am becoming, the person I was always meant to be.

That person by the way, is far from perfect.

I will always be the girl that dreams big and worries even bigger, and I’m okay with that.

Sleep is a Necessity, Not an Excuse

How many times over the past few years I’ve thought to myself, “I’m just really tired, I physically have to skip class” or “I’m exhausted, the gym is not an option” is, to be blunt, pathetic.

Lately I have been in attendance at basically every obligation I have, regardless of if I feel like going or not. I don’t even think about it, I just go (being overly ambitious has it’s perks).

After months of an on-the-go lifestyle, I woke up at 5 a.m. a few days ago overwhelmed with exhaustion. I hadn’t been that organically tired (no help from outside substances from the night before) since high school.

This epiphany caused me to think about why that was (and then write a blog post containing my personal conclusions that I would then share on Facebook to spam my friend’s newsfeeds, naturally).

Sleep isn’t really that important.

Before I came to college, I had attendance taken in every class. I was lucky enough to have parents that woke me up when I hit snooze twenty times too many. I had dance teachers that questioned my presence if I didn’t show up for class. I had clubs to attend with my friends.

Ultimately, I had people to answer to.

Even on the mornings when I felt too tired to get out of bed, I did. Even on the days (a lot) I wanted to skip a class, I (generally) didn’t. Even on the evenings I had piles of homework to do but I had dance, I went. Even the many times I was overwhelmingly exhausted, I did what I had to do.

Fast forward to freshman year of college, I’m 1000 miles away from home, on my own with breaks in my class schedule (that often didn’t include attendance), meals whenever I wanted and no curfew. As you can imagine, in the battle of nap vs. obligation- nap won, most of the time.

There are a million things I could get into about this vital, incredible transition in our lives. You learn, you change, you make mistakes and you grow. I’m happy with everything I did, every lesson I learned and every mistake I made. Without everything I have gone through the past four years at school I wouldn’t be where I am today (I won’t get into that now- I would write much more than you would want to read).

Something I hadn’t grasped from this experience until recently, though, was how to not let my need for sleep control my life.

Sleep really is important.

I know that I need 6-7 hours of sleep to function at a high performance level- be that at work, school, a social setting, physical activity- whatever. Some people need 8-9, some 9-10 (although hit 11 and I’m calling your bluff) and some are perfectly fine with less than 6 (the lucky ones, as I like to call them).

Regardless, sleep is important to us for many reasons. However with no supervision, being too tired to workout or too tired to finish reading for class had become an excuse used too much, at least by me.

We all need sleep. We all need different amounts of sleep and that’s okay. But getting a healthy amount of sleep and using sleep as an excuse to give in to the craziness that is life are two different things that we mix up all too often.

Get up, dress up and show up. Sleep is a necessity, but it is not an excuse.


P.S. I’m going to bed now instead of studying for my test, because I’m tired… no one is perfect.


Someone Looks Up To You

We all have role models.

We all have people that we look up to, people we want to be like and people we aspire to emulate in our every day lives.

I am fortunate to have many role models that I look to for guidance and motivation in my life.

It’s a good thing, to be inspired by others. It’s a good thing to see the amazing things others are doing and to want to live up to something similar- it’s a good thing.

It’s not a good thing, however, to forget that although you have role models, you are also one yourself.

Someone looks up to you.

There is someone out there that looks up to you. Whether they see your Instagrams, they’re your best friend or they’ve had one conversation with you, they look up to you.

We don’t always tell our role models that we look up to them. Sometimes it’s because we are intimidated, sometimes it’s because we don’t want to seem creepy (personal problem?) and sometimes we just think they must hear it enough.

It’s important for us to apply this information to ourselves. If we don’t always tell our role models how we feel about them, think about how many people aren’t telling you.

Whenever you’re having an off day- you messed up an interview, you overreacted in a situation- whenever you’re feeling down on yourself and wishing you were more like another, remember that someone is looking to you as an example of who they want to be. Remember that you are you, and that’s perfectly alright. Remember that someone looks up to you and you’ll find your drive and your self-worth, even if it’s hidden under your spilled coffee or failed exam.

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Laugh Until You Cry

Yesterday I laughed so hard that I cried, something I used to do almost daily. As the tears started forming in my eyes and eventually streaming down my face, I felt a sense of nostalgia come over me.

I like to think of myself as a laid back person.

I enjoy laughing, smiling and trying to brush things off as best I can. Laughing so hard that my stomach hurts and tears are coming out of my eyes used to be a regular event.

Except that I had forgotten.

I had forgotten what it felt like to laugh that hard with friends. I had forgotten what it felt like to be so present in a moment that tears run down your face because of something that ridiculous. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel something so great.

I couldn’t believe it.

After, I felt more alone than anything (listening to country music on the way home probably just elevated the issue, but I was being dramatic so oh well). Where were the people that I used to have so much fun with? Together, that’s where they are.

Maybe that’s when you realize you’re a little too busy. Maybe that’s when you see that you are starting to miss out on priceless parts of life.

Maybe that’s all true, and maybe I need to figure out why.

When’s the last time you laughed until you cried? Cried until you laughed? When’s the last time you had so much fun you wanted to relive it over and over? If it’s been a while, figure out why. Don’t waste too much time caught up in your self-inflicted to-do list.

Balance, enough said.


Accept the Inevitable

Some people think I’m rather emotionless. This is most likely due to the fact that I have an average crying rate of 1 tear-up or solid cry per year (four since I moved to Reno in 2010- close enough), I’m decently laid back and I generally don’t argue or fight with anyone.

Lately though I have been getting worked up every now and again. Generally, after the initial reaction declines, I end up disappointed in myself for feeling that way, wanting to be better and to be able to see the bigger picture in all moments. I am disappointed simply in my own emotions and feelings.

It’s important to remember that with the incredible and surreal feelings of true happiness and excitement about life, comes at times, more difficult emotions.

And that’s okay.

Emotions are weird.

We get sad, we get mad, we get happy, we get excited and we get aggravated.

Sometimes we can control our emotions and sometimes we can’t.

Sometimes we know that we shouldn’t feel a certain way, whether it’s jealous, irritated or anything else, but we still do.

It’s frustrating not being able to control something that can sometimes so greatly control you. How many times I’ve said, “I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but yeah” is well, a lot.

But that’s okay.

It’s okay that sometimes experiences in your life have you so worked up and passionate, that you feel irritated. It’s okay that when someone you love does something you don’t agree with, you get upset.

This is what makes us human and reminds us that we are alive and have true connections.

Emotions, no matter good or bad, should remind us of how lucky we are to have experiences that bring out the emotion. If we didn’t feel anything at all, we wouldn’t care about anything at all, we wouldn’t be passionate about anything at all.

Act, don’t react. Be rational and logical but accept that emotions are okay and that they will come. Handle them and act on them in a calm and positive way, sure, but don’t ignore them or look down on yourself for having them (okay fine, I’ll try).

Emotions are inevitable, and they should be, so accept them. They shouldn’t consume you, but they should be noticed, dealt with and given the thought they deserve.

There’s a reason you feel a certain way, what is it? That answer can help you get to the root of internal issues as well as help you to figure out what you truly want in life.

What gets your passion going? What makes you feel something? What do you care about?

Because isn’t that what it’s all about?


Why I Want To Be Single For Life

I want to be single for life.

I want to be able to do what I want, when I want. I want to feel no obligation toward anyone. I want to do exactly what pleases me. I want to be independent. I want to make it on my own. I want to be mine and mine alone.

And I will.

I am currently a 22 year old woman that enjoys blogging, has an obsession with coffee and interior design, and watches rom coms over and over again until the words come as second nature.

Obviously, I don’t actually want to be single for life, as far as the traditional definition goes.

I have a lot of goals. I want to do a lot, I want to accomplish a lot and I want to be a lot.

My aspirations are my own. It is my responsibility to get up every day to work toward my goals and it is my responsibility to evaluate my progress and learn from my mistakes as I try to reach them. I really have no room in my “life plan” for anyone to hold me back.

And they won’t.

I refuse to settle. (See Sh*t Single Girls Say– “I’m just too picky”).

I want someone that will accept that I am independent, encourage me to be my own person and drive me to attain my dreams.

I want someone that will make me want to make them breakfast. I want someone that will make me want to go to a Giants game even though I hate the Giants. I want someone that will make me want to feel obliged to tell them where I am going, because I know they care, and I care right back.

I want someone that respects my aspirations and encourages me to attain them. I want someone that nudges me at 5 a.m. when my alarm goes off because they know I want to go to the gym. I want someone that will support my decision to uproot for a crazy job offer because they know it’s what is best for me.

I want someone that believes in me.

Will I always want to do certain things? No. Do I want someone that will convince me to call in sick once or twice to escape with them for the day? Of course. I’m not looking for a life coach after all, but balance is key.

I want to be single for life. I never want to lose myself in trying to please or live in conjunction with another. I want someone that allows me to be myself. We will share things, sure. We will change and make sacrifices, sure. But I will always be myself and they will always be themselves, because we won’t want it any other way.


But I Don’t Want To Fail

At some time in your life you may reach a point in your career and life where everything seems to be and is going perfect. You meet the right people, the right position is open, you say the right things and you do the right work. You may feel rather, invincible.

Recently I reached this point. I couldn’t ask for better opportunities coming my way and my confidence level was very high (hello ego) in regards to my field and my abilities in the workplace. With this however, came an extreme fear of failure.

I am a prepared person, I am on top of my game (most of the time) and I don’t necessarily enjoy being wrong or messing up. I consider myself mature as well as someone that knows how to handle situations in a good manner. I want to please everyone all of the time and I want to do it all. Ultimately, I want to know it all and I want to be it all. However, Superman doesn’t exist.

At the end of the day, we are all human. We make mistakes, we say things we shouldn’t say, we don’t always know everything about our field and we don’t know exactly how to handle different projects and situations.

But really, that is what is so amazing about the world. We don’t know it all, and we don’t always do what we should do. But we learn from the vast and incredible minds of people around us, we collaborate to make informed and creative decisions and most importantly we learn from experiences wherein mistakes and failures are encountered.

Some of us more than others, care too much (you know the biggest cliche flaw-“I care too much,” well it’s true). Sometimes my passion for what I do and my confidence actually holds me back from seeing something better. I’m not perfect and no one is, learn from your failures and more importantly forgive yourself for what was, focus on what is and look to what could be.

What am I learning from my failure? To not be scared of future failures, because once I do that, I have confined myself to a box that I don’t want to be in.