I haven’t written in awhile. I guess because I’ve been doing shit. When I don’t write, sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes it doesn’t mean anything and sometimes it means everything.
And tonight I have no idea what I’m going to write about, but I have officially lived in Boston for a year, so I thought I’d sit down and try. Sit down to see what would come out if I put my fingers to the keyboard for the first time in a long time.
What a year it has been.
It’s been so many things and it hasn’t been at all. It’s been nothing that I thought it would be and everything I needed it to be. It hasn’t always been what I wanted, because it has always been so much more than that.
I’ve been through it all. The days of feeling so homesick (hi, Reno) I felt physically ill — like I could actually vomit if I didn’t get on a plane right then. The days of wondering what the f*** I was doing and why I found it necessary to move away from all my loved ones and the life I had built. The days of remembering that I had accomplished my dream and the days of feeling insanely small. The days of knowing I could now accomplish anything and the days of feeling like I was an imposter in an undeserving life. The days of taking it all in and getting butterflies for just being. The days of realizing that moving away from my problems didn’t make me different — that I had to make me different. The days of getting it and the days of not.
The days of just being, in Boston, right now.
I thought I was going to do so many things upon my move. Meet a boy, get fit, figure out my ultimate dream— find my mental freedom.
None of those really happened, because so much more did. I learned that while life is great at home, or in your dream city, or wherever it is you’re seeing right now, on your Instagram — life is really great anywhere. Life is great when you are great — when your mindset is great. Life is great when you let go of what you can’t control and love everything you’ve done and will possibly do.
Life is great when you work so hard your head hurts. When you have days of doing absolutely nothing. Life is great when you realize that all that matters is how you feel about you.
I’ve learned so many things the past year. That life isn’t perfect, that you canaccomplish your dreams, that you can’t run from your problems, that home iswhere the heart is, and that you must give yourself the time and love you deserve before you can do much of anything else.
And, perhaps most importantly, I’ve learned what’s the most important to me.
Friends, family, acquaintances — memories.
And I realize now that if I want to live my purpose of connecting with and inspiring others to live their best lives — that I must be too living mine. That I must be free of my own demons in order to help others rid of theirs.
That working on yourself is not selfish, but actually, selfless when done for the right reasons.
So, no matter where I go in life, I care about the people. About you. About your friends, your sisters, your brothers — you. And about me— about all of us. I care that we’re doing the best we can and laughing when we just simply can’t.
That’s what I care about.
It’s not about the perfectly crafted picture of my dream relationship, city, career, mindset, or anything else.
So for now, I’m good. I’m working on me, so I can help others work on them. I’m being there for my friends while I remain insanely grateful that they’re there for me. I’m doing my best and finding grace when I don’t. I’m breathing, working, living, experiencing — feeling.
I’m working on letting go of what I can’t control and having the faith that little decisions each day to practice humility and faith will get me to where I need to be.
And I have so much further to go.
But the cool thing right now is that I don’t even know where that is yet.
And for once in my life, I’m totally okay with that.