The Reason

The reason I’m pushing through recovery…

 

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I opened my notebook. The first page was an attempted journal session in which I was going to try to realize my life’s purpose. The second, an eight week diet plan. The third, a detailed meal plan outlining the only meals I presumably was allowed to eat from that day on.

That was two months ago. I have recently entered myself into a program based on intuitive eating and mental health. Something that, I hope will bring me at least one more step closer to freedom. Something that, I hope will stop allowing those diet and life plans to fill up any more pages of my journal and life.

I’ll give you the details later, but know that it is a big commitment — in more ways than one.

It took me five years to finally realize I needed this — to take this step.

And I want to tell you why.

Why I finally said “yes” to myself.

When I first started the program, I was asked “why?”

Why is this so important to you? What will it cost you to not do it?

Everything.

It will cost me everything.

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Upon being asked this question, the truth spilled out of me.

I have to do it for you.

For me.

For people.

The most important thing in my life, is and always will be — people.

My family, friends — people I get the chance to meet. My life’s goal, truly, is to create cool stuff to make the world better and to help others on their paths.

But, how can I truly, authentically help others if I don’t first help myself?

I can’t.

At least not at the level I want to.

The level of walking your talk and speaking through a voice a commitment, perseverance, and total truth.

I want to do it for my readers, for any future readers, for my little sister and brother who deserve an even better role model than what I’ve been able to give them, for my mom and dad so that they can rest easy knowing that I am OK — I am happy. For my friends that I want to lift up more each day. For the people that have been there for me at my worst, who truly, truly deserve me at my best. For the people I have yet to meet.

For my future family, friends, acquaintances, or loves.

For me.

Because, even though my life is great, I know there’s better. And this time, I don’t mean a city, job, car, or calling — I mean a better way of thinking, feeling — experiencing life. Of stopping negative mindsets and flourishing in the light. Of loving myself instead of shaming myself. Of realizing I have enough instead of constantly thinking my time is up.

I know there’s a better way.

And I know I deserve it.

The day after I came to this realization, I was asked to be a bridesmaid in one of my best childhood (and adulthood) friend’s weddings. In her note, she told me that my support for her and those around me is what she cherishes the most.

All I could think about, aside from being extremely  humbled, blessed, and happy for my friend — was how much more I could give should I free myself from my own constraints.

Should I step out of my own way.

Because for the entirety of my twenties, I have put up construction on my path.

I have, for reasons unbeknownst to me (though fear of failing to be perfect rings a bell), been dead set on not letting myself reach my full potential and happiness.

I’ve put up roadblock after roadblock, orange cone after orange cone, all to delay myself from arriving. Arriving to a place of contentment and peace.

Of loving myself and those around me. Of removing vanity from my life. Of taking control of what is rightfully mine.

A good life.

A happy life.

A life I deserve to live.

So I’m working, slowly but surely, on removing the cones from my path. Of finishing up my construction and, eventually, arriving to a place I don’t know yet.