Storm before the calm

I’m working on some major changes in my life, and some that really scare me.

However, they are also what I’ve always wanted.

And that’s what makes them scary. Because, what if I fail?

What if it doesn’t work? What if I didn’t think this through? What if I didn’t do this at the right time? What if I was too impatient? What if I thought the grass was greener? What if I can’t do it?

And, the scariest question of them all, what if, this thing I have wanted for my whole life, what if it doesn’t bring me happiness at all? What if I’m constantly yearning for the next thing, constantly searching for something more?

These fears race through my head every once and awhile, threatening my decisions and my progress. Often, I give in. I give in to the fear, deciding I “want to do something else” that’s a bit easier – a bit safer. I give in to the stories I’m telling myself, thinking, “I failed today, I’ll start tomorrow,” or, “I can’t do this, I’m changing course.”

And there will still be days when I shift. There will still be days when I feel lost – forgetting my name, my favorite color, and who I am, to the core.

But more than that, there will be days that I don’t give in. There will be days that I say, “Yes, this is hard. Yes, this is confusing. Yes, I am going to do it anyway.”

Because this is what separates me from my old self. This is what separates me from playing the victim – the one that thought the world happened to her, rather than being the girl that happened to the world.

I’m changing the stories I’m telling myself.

I’m changing the stories I’m telling myself about who I am and what I am capable of.

I have decided to make this change in my life, and as I have done so, not everything has fallen into place perfectly. Some things are conspiring in my favor, sure, but some things simply are not.

And that’s okay.

I will not give in.

Because these tests, I will pass. These situations, I will figure out. These weaknesses in the plan, I will overcome through strength.

Going for what you want and having everything work out as planned are not the same thing. In fact, they rarely are. Going for what you want means doing it even when your plan isn’t perfectly penciled in.

So I am going to push, and I hope you do too. Because I am not a victim to obstacles outside of my control, I am not a victim of my own self-sabatoge – I am simply not a victim.

Because I want this. So I’m going to do this.

And I’m so lucky that I have the option.

No matter when you decide to follow your heart, life will happen.

There is never a good time.

Be grateful you have the opportunity to listen to your soul. If you have the ability to follow your gut – do so. And most importantly, have faith that it will all work out in the end, because somehow, it always does.