I often write of being lost, not knowing what I’m doing, trusting the process…you get it.
And then sometimes I write about things like “the wow moment” or moments when I find what I am looking for, where I realize that everything has happened a certain way for a reason.
And then it repeats. It’s a cycle, one that has continued for the past four years or so.
I freak out about not knowing what I want, accept that I don’t know what I want, figure out what I want, and then start freaking out about not knowing what I want one more time.
If you do not now think of me as a psychopath (oh wait, if you read my blog, you probably already do), please read on.
It gets exhausting, this cycle. And for obvious reasons, I am pretty tired of it. Pretty tired of constantly convincing myself of things, getting in my own head, telling my friends of my new plan, my new goal — it’s honestly annoying af.
But, I think I figured out the reason this cycle continues. I had an interesting day, going back and forth in my head about different choices I need to make in the coming months — when it hit me.
What do I want to do?
I know EXACTLY what I want to do.
So why am I wondering what to choose? Why am I going back and forth between options, trying to figure out my end goal, and constantly remaining confused about my future?
Because the truth is hard.
The truth, what I really want, well, it’s a long shot. And it’s going to suck for awhile. And it’s not conventional. And I have a LARGE chance of failing.
So I suppress it.
I’m a creative, artistic person (see ballet, fashion, interiors, etc….my Insta), and yet, I am also a very strategic, rational/logical person (thanks parentals).
And so, these things often clash.
And while I am also thankful for these things, it can also make these decisions difficult.
Oh, we’re here again: head vs. heart.
Yeah, it’s hard.
But I can’t suppress it anymore. I can’t continue creating plans, goals, and dreams that aren’t authentic to me.
Because what in the hell is the point of that?
There isn’t one.
The point here, I guess, (other than simply talking myself into shutting tfu), is to encourage you to remain authentic. In a world with people, expectations, and norms pushing you in all directions, I encourage you to remain true to you.
As much as I preach it, write about it, tell others to do it — I myself struggle.
Easier said than done, as they say.
So I will work on it.
Because this cycle, well, it’s exhausting.
And I need that energy if I’m going to tackle my lofty dreams.