Cracked

I cracked tonight.

Something inside me cracked, and I found myself laying in my newly furnished apartment with tears streaming down my face.

Wait… what?

If you know me at all, you know that I don’t cry. In fact, I keep a count, and I have cried a total of five times since I started college in 2010, (ice queen).

Now, of course, that number has risen to two hands, and we are at a whopping six.

I pride myself in being an independent, strong, passionate, hard-working, and most importantly, positive person. That is my personal brand, that is what I want to be seen as, and most of the time, that is what I am.

I write blogs about the good in all situations, about working toward your dreams, and about being grateful for every detail of your life. I write blogs about being 100 percent fine with being alone and independent. I write blogs about hard-work and positive mindsets.

I write a lot, and I write because it teaches me lessons that I need to learn from my different experiences.

Not only do I write about these lessons, but I preach them, practice them, and focus on them. I help friends that need advice, I act as a voice of reason for others’ decisions (unless I’m worrying in which case I definitely need to outsource, thanks guys), I practice good habits and positive thoughts, I focus on the good in every situation.

And it works.

Read my other entries for my spiel, but I believe in being independent, positive, gracious, and hard-working.

The problem I was facing—I am facing, is that I let that image take over.

And, simply put, I’m tired.

Being positive, happy, grateful, independent, and strong is sometimes exhausting. It’s not always easy to be that way in every single situation you are dealt.

As warm tears covered my cheeks, I grew annoyed at myself for letting this happen. “Why are you crying? Your life is incredible and you are so lucky for everything you have.”

You’re right, inner voice, I am lucky.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t have feelings sometimes. That doesn’t mean I need to be completely OK 100 percent of the time.

That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be vulnerable every once in a great while (believe me, this isn’t going to become a thing—don’t get used to it).

I’m not sure if this piece will help any of you, maybe if you’re scared to be vulnerable or maybe, if you constantly make decisions in order to please others (what up), then maybe this will resonate with you. But mostly, for once, this is simply a breakthrough for me. A step into a new unknown, one where I allow myself to feel things and figure out what is right for me, rather than what is right.

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One thought on “Cracked

  1. This. So much this. I got very good at putting on a brave front when things were rough and now I don’t know how to let my guard down anymore. I have people in my life who are amazing and who never would have come into my life if a myriad number of things hadn’t happened, yet I haven’t yet figured out how to handle all of the good things. I wait for the other shoe to drop.

    Like

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