Found It

And there it was.

I was standing in my kitchen at 7:15 a.m., wearing a blazer, freshly showered, giant briefcase (slash purse) packed for the day, chugging what remained of my (strong)  black coffee— when I realized it.

There it was.

Just like that, in about 10 seconds, my motivation had come spiraling back.

Once the holidays hit and I was off to my hometown, all remnants of my motivation blew away. I wanted to sit, eat, sleep, sit, eat, and sleep some more.

I hated it.

But for some reason, I couldn’t stop.

“This is what vacation is, relax.”

Okay, fine.

But when I tried to get back into my groove, to find the motivation for my health, my career, my future, my life— it wasn’t coming back.

A new habit, or yet, mindset, had formed in just over two weeks— indifference.

I hated it.

But for some reason, I couldn’t make it go away.

I didn’t really care that I wasn’t working out, I didn’t really care that I wasn’t working on my to do lists, I didn’t really care that I wasn’t bettering myself. I didn’t really care that I couldn’t finish a blog post— that I, for the first time in a long time, had nothing to write about.

And not caring, was irritating me beyond belief. Not to mention, giving me the worst anxiety I have ever felt.

Because, I cared that I didn’t care.

This fact alone should have shown me that it (my drive) would come back.

So, as I stood in my kitchen this morning, nervous about my new job, doubting myself, my abilities, my experience, everything I had worked for in the past year or so— I remembered how good it felt.

I remembered how good it felt to feel good about your day. I remembered how good it felt to be dressed up and ready to chase your dreams. I remembered how good it felt to be grateful to have an obligation to go to. I remembered how good it felt to accomplish things.

I remembered how good it felt to be proud of myself.

Butterflies wrenched my stomach, and nerd-ily enough, I danced a little bit around my kitchen.

Because in that moment, I remembered how good it felt to be passionate— to be happy.

Losing motivation happens, we’re only human. Just always remember that it’s important to try to find it.

Watch out, final semester— I have big plans, and the motivation to back those up.