My Infinity

By the end of the first applause, tears filled my eyes.

The show hadn’t even started yet.

Fifteen years of different memories flooded back to me as chills ran through my spine causing me to sit up a little straighter than before.

Rehearsals, epsom salt ice baths, tears, laughter, relationships, show gifts— it all came back. It was as though it was another life, not mine— but I wanted it to be.

Getting ready was always my favorite part. Alone, with the dressing room lights as your only guide. Every strand of hair matters, every stroke of eyeliner matters— everything matters.

We all have different rituals when getting ready for a show.

Mine, was to get to the theatre earlier than the rest of the cast. To sit in my own silence, to take it all in. To find a moment of clarity amid the overwhelming and exhausting week. To set myself up for a good show. To remember that although I had done the show many times, this was a brand new day— a fresh start with a fresh audience.

The feeling you get just before you are on stage is unattainable any other way. It’s nervous, scared, excited, at peace— all at the same time. It’s everything all at once. Yet, as you step out onto the stage it is all diminished. All of the emotions and thoughts that just consumed your entire being just moments before are swept away, and you are left with yourself— staring into the black that is the audience. In that moment you are free. You let go of your insecurities, your inhibitions. You are in complete control of your body, your mind, yet there is something so freeing about it, so let go.

Performing is magic. Everything that is put into it is magic. It’s more than a hobby, it’s more than two hours of your life— it’s infinite.

As I sat in the theatre today, attending the ballet rather than performing in it, I was overcome with emotions (can you tell). As the curtain dropped on the final note of the score that I have so deeply rooted in my veins, I had a moment— one I had been looking for for a long time.

It was that moment that I knew I had found it— my infinity. And it was that moment that I realized that it was enough.

This is your life.

This is your life and you can do whatever you please. This is your life and you should do whatever you please. This is your life, and you need to find your infinity— find what makes you feel infinite.

John Green writes about infinities, about some lasting longer than others, about your infinity with another person. Well I have found my infinity, with myself. My infinity is enough, because I will live it each day in honor of my truest desires, whatever those may be.

And so, you can sit around basking in your regrets and saying “tomorrow,” but really, the only person you are hurting is yourself, because time is not on our side, and your infinity may be shorter than another’s.

If you want to do something do it. If you find something that makes you feel infinite, that touches your soul in ways nothing nor anyone else can, practice it, and practice it often.

I don’t know what this means for me, but I’ll figure it out in time, I am feeling very infinite after all.