Wonder(ing)

I’ve always wondered why some of us don’t think about it.

Why some of us go through life unquestioning. Knowing it’ll all work out, unworried about where it’s all going, not thinking about what it’s all coming down to.

Often I envy these people, so certain in their lives, willing to accept that a tree is just a tree, that a mistake is just a mistake, that an encounter is just an encounter.

Life would be much easier that way.

Some of us go through life, able to live to the fullest each day, not questioning our existence and everything about it.

Some of us dissect our lives, we wonder if we’re doing it right, we wonder what it all means.

We wonder about our purpose, we fear not fulfilling what we’re meant to do in the time we’re meant to do it. We question each decision we didn’t make, each goal we didn’t reach and each to do we left unchecked. And in turn, we question each decision we did make, each goal we did reach and each to do we did check.

Was it right? What did it mean? Can I do better?

It’s exhausting, and at times it’s disappointing.

But it’s rewarding.

I don’t know what it’s like to live without reflecting, or to make progress without evaluating. I can’t live without accomplishing what I’m capable of- I can’t live without at least trying.

Maybe I don’t know where I’m going. Maybe I don’t know why I’m here.

But I am, and I will be.

These reflections make me hard on myself. These evaluations force me to see my shortcomings. These questions allow me to examine my faults.

And sometimes, that’s okay. Sometimes that’s okay because I do make progress, I do think deeper into things, I do believe in the value of life.

But sometimes, it’s important to forget it all. To step out into the woods (no Taylor Swift, you’re not out yet), and think about nothing. To appreciate the sound of pinecones crunching under your shoes, to realize that what you’re doing is enough.

To find a moment when you realize that none of it matters, not the stress, not the deadlines, not the uncertainty. A moment when you finally grasp the idea that all that matters is the moment you’re in.

A moment when you are no longer wondering, but you are in wonder.